Self Rightious Rant

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Jat
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Self Rightious Rant

Postby Jat » Sat Oct 12, 2002 1:53 pm

This was going to be a response to mystique by robby but I got so far off track that I thought I'd just make a self rightious topic out of it.

Be yourself. You obviously have a community of people who like you, even throughout all of your sometimes longwinded (but not overlong) glory. I see an admirable person in you and I would hope that you have the strength to continue to leave it exposed and vunerable.

*mini rant that is perhaps off topic*
Life doesn't give you lemons, life gives you a pillowcase of lemons and then has the concept of death holds you down while life beats you black and blue. Life is simply not fair. Wonderful people come and go in and out of your life but they are just ghosts passing through. They are not solid. They are not substantial. You can't reach out and grab them. You can't brace yourself against them when you feel like you are falling. Each time you reach out you watch as your hands pass through their etheral image. They just drain warmth and life out of you again and again until you are too cold to not be huddled up shivering to yourself.

It comes down to one choice. You can either go through life safe, shallow - keeping all of your energy and care to protect yourself and make yourself happy or you can tear your heart out and set it in front of you - letting any old fool be able to reach it, to pick it up and examine all of the bruises that you get through living.
*/mini rant*






Since that was the type of thing that I don't forsee anything being able to say just throw in a tut tut or a fuck you heretic so it doesn't look like the cheese is standing alone.

As you were.

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Postby Foo-Byte » Sat Oct 12, 2002 2:47 pm

I would disagree with the part about no-one being solid or substantial. True, most people you meed are fleeting moments, people you see briefly and who just pass you by. But there are those, the close friends, the lovers, who you can touch and meld with, who become part of your life and who you are. They add a layer to your life experiences, and become more tangible than anything else.

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Postby Jat » Sat Oct 12, 2002 3:28 pm

that post probably has more to do with the odd dissolving of a 5 year relationship that is going on with me and my girlfriend right now plus the lack of friends in my real life plus an uptide of recent depression.

It was just a useless vent overall - don't put too much merit in it as I don't know if I'd claim to believe that during more 'normal' circumstances.

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Postby . » Sat Oct 12, 2002 3:50 pm

This makes me extremely sad.. especially because I was just joking the other day about stealing you from your girlfriend. I feel a bit insensitive. So I apologize, Jat.

And I would tear my heart out everytime.. I can't handle a life being shallow and safe.. I can be that way for a while.. but then someone comes along who I think is worthy of getting all of me.. it hasn't worked out permanently yet.. but I've regretted nothing. I've had some really great times.. I've had bad times.. but nothing I regret.
And the bad times may seem to drain the life out of you.. but the good times.. lift you up and fill you with such hope and love.. I think the trade off is worth it. And sorry if I sound like a schmuck..
I'm a huge believer in love..
I'm also lonely.. go figure..

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Postby Jat » Sat Oct 12, 2002 4:02 pm

Don't worry about it hun, this has been going on for months.

I'll go in depth with an explanation later when things are less fuzzy, but for now know that I'm the one pioneering what is happening in my life.

The whole loneliness thing with me is a huge problem. It's the biggest problem in my life and always has been since I was younger. I always open up, to anyone. I get easily offended if I feel that I've been rejected because it feels like it's me who was rejected. It's as if every time there is a personality conflict it's because there is something wrong with me.

I am doing fine no matter what this sonuds like. It will just take some time and effort to figure out.

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Postby denihilist » Sat Oct 12, 2002 4:18 pm

Well said Jat but it definitely has a negative spin. You could say that what makes life beautiful and complex is that people are consantly shifting through your history.

My ex and I were together for 6 years and we split up in May. She's in Vancouver, BC and I'm in Texas. We made the decision that our careers/individual lives needed to come before our relationship. That the relationship, while amazing, was keeping us from becoming. So we decided to split. It was mutual and we are still ood fiends. The thing is, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish we were still together but I am also overjoyed by the fact that there is someone out there that I respect and care for enough to give freedom to and I know the she feels the same way.

The reason I go into this is because it's debilitating not having her around. Not being able to ask her advice all the time, bounce ideas off of her etc. At the same time it is beautiful because I know what an amazing person she is now, and how much better she will become because of her new found freedom.

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Postby halofyre » Sat Oct 12, 2002 4:38 pm

CONCERING LEMONS TO LEMONADE.


I had a friend who put in his graduating notes:

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then throw the lemonade in the eyes of the guy who gave you the lemons until he gives you the damn oranges you asked for."
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

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Postby Jat » Sat Oct 12, 2002 4:43 pm

You sound like you were in much the same position that I am in now.

Right now, after 5 years I find myself feeling that I'm just friends with her. I don't want to have sex. I don't want to kiss. Every night we sleep in the same bed and I know that it kills her but some wall has come up because I know what WILL happen. We've talked about what we need to do to become the people that we want to be and have come to an agreement that breaking up is in our best interest, and is actually needed at some point in time. I need to figure out who I am and I want desperately to have more experiences and feel somewhat less freakish before I commit my life to one person. Hell I don't even know if marriage is in my future.

It sounds like I"m in the process of getting to where you are now. I've told Lindsey that I feel like we are just friends and she is ok with that. Now it's on the table for us to get a different apartment where she would room with someone else and I would have a room to myself.

I want to date. I want to get out. I don't want to fuck around, but I want to feel wanted/desirable again and start to reincorporate a somewhat normal social life. A friend of mine termed it 'dating with training wheels'. This feels appropriate because I am going out with girls who aren't my girlfriend (she knows about it and approves provided I"m not a dick about it, which I'm not being one. In turn she is completely free to pursue other guys as friends and date to get used to not just having each other) I'm lonely as hell because I'm in this state of limbo where I can't make new connections for the respect and due wariness of my relationship with lindsey and properly letting go of it so it doesn't create emotional scars.

I guess it boils down to that my girlfriend and best friend is going to be moving and I know it and my emotions are preemptively reacting and trying to get me back to normal so I don't just hole myself up and cry.

About this crying biz.

I know I"ve not lost anything that I have. I know she is still around. I know that in the future getting back together is a definate option. I still feel like crying. Just because I"m going through a transition (which in no way is bringing me anything bad....perhaps lack of security but that's not really a big deal since I've moved around a lot - another story -- but instead I"m keeping everything good and becoming who I want to be.

So I'm in a giant transition phase that makes me feel lonely because I am isolating myself from my long time girlfriend in order that I am not devistated when she actually goes. I want to get used to meeting people again, trying the bar scene for fun (not to actually look for girls because I don't think girls that would meet me at a bar are my type), doing interesting things (bought a bow remember, going to buy a motorcycle).

Also my friends aren't reliable at all so at any point in time I can just find myself alone.

Right now I don't want to be alone. I want to have a connection with someone.

Obviously this is just a jumble of many many different situations and feelings wrapped into one post about an overly large situation. There is of course much more than would have to be explained but I think you guys can get the gist.

Other topics
-------------------------------------------------------
Unsure about my future:What am I meant for
Who am I:A quest to answer the unending question "what the fuck?"
Workplace antics:Do I want to program computers for a living?
Education:God am I sick of school.
Greatness:I'm capable, but do I have the courage to strive until I achieve or will I just be stuck in some position that I could do much better than.


stay tuned for all these answers and more next, on the life of Jat

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Postby . » Sat Oct 12, 2002 5:01 pm

Jesus christ.. you pretty much just described what I went through when I lived in Germany.. which is why I'm back here.

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Postby Bag of Ass » Sat Oct 12, 2002 5:05 pm

Jat. Jat jat jat.

These are tough times. While I can't say I've been there, I can say that I've been in an on-the-surface similar situation. It's hard because you want what's best for yourself, but even more you want what's best for her and sometimes the two don't mesh. Staying friends will probably be very hard, especially in the beginning, but I urge you to try to keep her in your life. In a couple year's time, you'll appreciate having someone to talk to that knows you better than you know yourself. But as for now, don't be afraid of your feelings. If you find yourself on the verge of crying, put on your depressing playlist and let the shit out. It's cathartic. And of course, so are we. Keep us apprised of your situation, if you feel it would help you to feel better.

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Postby Jat » Sat Oct 12, 2002 5:15 pm

I'm comfortable in knowing that what is happening is best for both of us, especially because I've made a large effort to not be rash (which I am prone to do). I feel depressed and lonely sure - but tears just aren't coming out. I just put on my various cds or go play pool by myself until I feel calmed down.

I just can't cry unless I feel like I have something to cry about. I'm just left with a deep sense of sorrow that hopefully will pass.

I think staying friends wont be as hard for us as it is for most. We were friends to begin with and we've been friends throughout. It would be unnatural to not be friends.

Lunch is here - woot pizza.

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Postby The Real Red Menace » Sat Oct 12, 2002 9:29 pm

I can't speak for the trials you're going through Jat...

But I disagree with your assessment of people and life, and I hope after you've healed up a bit, you'll disagree with it too.
"Behold I am the Dragon, before me you rightly tremble!"

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Postby chickenlips » Sat Oct 12, 2002 9:43 pm

. wrote:And I would tear my heart out everytime.. I can't handle a life being shallow and safe.. I can be that way for a while.. but then someone comes along who I think is worthy of getting all of me.. it hasn't worked out permanently yet.. but I've regretted nothing. I've had some really great times.. I've had bad times.. but nothing I regret.
And the bad times may seem to drain the life out of you.. but the good times.. lift you up and fill you with such hope and love.. I think the trade off is worth it. And sorry if I sound like a schmuck..
I'm a huge believer in love..


Ditto. Way ditto. I've been burned, and I've burned, but I wouldn't change a thing. And I've said that even before I met my husband.

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Postby Kauser » Sat Oct 12, 2002 9:47 pm

Life, for me at least, has been a myriad of iterations of reinvention.



That is all.
Do not call up what you cannot put down.

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Postby Jat » Sun Oct 27, 2002 4:05 pm

This was going to be another secretive post to robby, but I would probably elude to this and confuse you all I'll just post it here.

No offense to you or message boards in general - but I've been posting here out of sheer loneliness. I've had to clear out my cell phone of several names and numbers because I called too much, stood up too much, and was beginning to fear that I was getting to be neurotic.

I like to have friends in person - but it seems that I don't have any. The whole girlfriend thing that I posted a while back is getting worse with the depression that I get from lonliness. As when I get sad, I build this mighty strong wall of anger to keep things from falling down. It's not like I go around being all dickish but when people try to pry into what's hurting - they get shat on.

I've become an f5 whore. Unfortunately my zeal in posting isn't returned by anyone that I can banter back and forth with. Even then it would just take up space and time for gibberish that I would never condone posting.

As for PA, they just seem to be board with message boards and are trying to create some fun/trouble. I'm sure people aren't getting hurt and no one on this damn internet seem to get overly worried when they don't like what others say. They just want something to do. It will die out and just go back to the normal in out in out real rough like.

Oh - the friday* thing that I did? yeah, I did it again last night. Went to the bar, played pool by myself. Saw the same British Toothed chick from the night before, she wandered around my pool table hoping for an invite. Solice is king in this case though and she didn't get one.


*The pool thing that I was talking about is in the alcohol thread - page 5 I think.

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Postby Luminaire » Sun Oct 27, 2002 8:52 pm

I wish I hadn't missed this thread the first time that it was around.

Jat, come to the pa chat once in a while, say 12:30 eastern. With the exception of tonight, I'm usually there. The conversation isn't exceptionally bright, but it has it's moments. I thirst for conversation.

I prescribe listening to the song 'Space Lion' off the Bebop soundtrack more often. It cures what ails you.

I would say something now, but somehow I just don't feel capable of dispensing adivce not related to music...

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Postby Jat » Sat Nov 16, 2002 3:08 pm

Time for another update eh?

So I've decided that the pool place is a little too seedy for me. The women there are all (fat, old, ugly, young mothers)... none of which I"m in the market for. I'd go there and stay all day, watch the people (sleezy) that I was playing pool with pick up on nasty chicks that he would presumably take home and fuck. There wasn't any conversation worth going there for so to close things off with them I told the waitress who was cute but not willing to hang out sometime that I didn't belong there and I wouldn't be coming back. She expressed sorrow.

So after that I've been just working. Now I've replaced bumming around at a pool hall to bumming around at Barnes & Noble (book store). A different chick is there that I did like - from class, the one who stood me up - so I can't go there too often because I don't want her to think that I'm there stalking her. I might forget about this notion because I know the truth of the matter, I'm bored. Still I think I should keep in mind the possible trouble it could cause if she and her friends believed that I was stalking.

I'm going to be moving out in December. Yeah that's right I'm still living with Lindsey. My 5 year girlfriend/ex girlfriend whatever. It is just confused. We don't have enough in common to just bullshit around and enjoy ourselves. Her boss finds me cute and says that I'm her type. Confusion should ensue. I doubt that she (kelly) will be making any moves and I don't think I will be either. Who knows, I'm not the least crazy out of everyone here.

So last night Lindsey went to see the new Harry Potter movie with some random guy from the mall. Completely random too. Buying a calendar and someone says harry potter and she says
'you going?' 'yep' 'you want to go with me?' 'yep'
What girl asks a random guy to a movie and has it be just friends? I know that was her intent but I'm pretty sure that she is sending some fucked up signals. So she was out until 2 or so, 3. Who knows how late. I was asleep. I went out to a nice steak dinner with a friend of mine from work. Not a date, but I paid. Don't know how that worked but I think it's because I recommended the place. There goes 50 bucks, oh well. Anyway lindsey offered to cancel with this guy and go with me, but for some reason I didn't want to go with her (but when I see it SHE IS GOING TO GO WITH ME! according to her anyway) and didn't care that she was going with some other dude.

Oh. Tonight I have to go to a wedding that I don't want to go to. Period. It's lindsey's? cousin? who knows. All I know is that I get to sit there quietly, not moving, not talking to anyone - and if I brought a GBA I would get into serious shit.

I took some pictures of the school I go to. I looked up one day and saw that the buildings were very citadel like and thought you kids might want to see. I doubt that it'll become a flagship for this place but who knows. Stranger things have happened (see my relationship)

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Rob
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Postby Rob » Sat Nov 16, 2002 4:17 pm

Woah Jatster.

Sounds like it would be a good thing to hurry up and get out of there, really. The random guy from the mall thing is pretty weird, I'd say.

And it sounds like leaving the pool place behind was a good idea.


Send me your photos and I'll host them here for you.

Good to see you around, hope things don't get too lonely at that wedding.

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chickenlips
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Postby chickenlips » Sat Nov 16, 2002 4:32 pm

I wanted to express my sympathy for your situation, but I don't really have the words, except "I sympathise." (Note the British spelling! 'Cause I'm in Britain and they have to be different.) Now I'm going to start all glib, but end up being all serious, so it'll be like all of my other advice-ish posts ever.

Jat wrote:The women there are all (fat, old, ugly, young mothers)... none of which I"m in the market for.


Can I point out here that fat chicks can be hot sometimes, too! Like me, for instance. I'm fat, yet with the ability to sometimes be hot. Or so I've been told.

I'm going to be moving out in December. Yeah that's right I'm still living with Lindsey. My 5 year girlfriend/ex girlfriend whatever. It is just confused. We don't have enough in common to just bullshit around and enjoy ourselves. Her boss finds me cute and says that I'm her type. Confusion should ensue. I doubt that she (kelly) will be making any moves and I don't think I will be either. Who knows, I'm not the least crazy out of everyone here.


That sucks, and I know how much. I've been in awkward borderline breakups before, and they always feel really icky afterwards. Well, except for the last time, but that's an altogether different kettle of fish. (It was actually needing some space instead of "I don't want to hurt your feelings by breaking up with you, so I'll drag it out and/or put it off as long as humanly possible.) Two thumbs up to moving out, and good luck with moving on. It's much easier when you've got somewhere to go, I know that much.

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Postby Jat » Sat Nov 16, 2002 4:41 pm

The reason I find these fat chicks utterly unattractive is because they either A) Don't realize that they are overweight or B) Think it wise to wear clothes like they aren't.

Oh - often times the girls are a combination so they could be fat old ugly mothers. The short tops that show pot bellies and stretch marks are just an added bonus


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