As Yet Untitled and Unfinished Science Fiction by Me!

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Dynagrip
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As Yet Untitled and Unfinished Science Fiction by Me!

Postby Dynagrip » Fri Jan 26, 2007 3:46 pm

It was our home. Had been our home, and Hell, if I had anything to say about it, always would be our home. Granted, it was looking like I had no pull in the matter at all. Sorry Earth, I did my best, but yeah, I’m not going to be able to save the day drifting through the asteroids in my quite broken ship.

We’re still not sure where They came from. We’ve always been so eager to observe and learn and explore…well, we had our blinders, big time. Why look up or down from the galactic plane? There’s nothing to see there! If we had been a bit more paranoid, we might have had a bit more time to prepare, kind of like Batman versus Superman, but without the repressed homosexuality.

Their ships are massive. Best we can figure they started out as asteroids around some far off star. They were eight at first, but we managed to take out one of the bastards finally. Granted, Mars will never be habitable again, but take that, Invader sonuvabitches, we got one!

God damn it, I think I hear a hissing noise. Hissing noises mean snakes on the ground and at best, slow asphyxiation in space. Ok…where is it coming from? I’m not feeling woozy at all…not sure I’d even recognize oxygen deprivation, considering the blood loss, but I’d like to think that I would. Huh, now I don’t hear it. Oh Christ, am I having auditory hallucinations again? I told those dipshit mechanics back at Ceres that my enhancements were acting twitchy, but nooo, they never listen to the crazy guy.

So yeah, Their ships, big and scary. And just teaming with all sorts of nasty support ships. You’ve got your heavily armed scout probes. Your heavily armed light fighters. Your really really heavily armed interceptors that are blindingly fast. Oh and the bombers that drop antimatter like they’re hippies back in the 1960s. I’m not sure I even want to get into the capital ships.

I could lie and say it was a capital ship that…actually screw it, I’m going to lie. I don’t want my gravestone, should any damn human hand be around to set one up, read, "here lies our most ‘tarded defender"…Anyway, we had dropped in right behind a light carrier. She was all alone, but so were we. We were not exactly Terra’s best nor its brightest, but holy crap were we insane and we were all born and bred to never run from a fight. I’m not even sure what kind of drug cocktails they pumped us up with to make sure we didn’t turn on each other between missions, but I always tasted blue when they had that stuff all up in my veins.

Ok...story...back to the story. Their light carriers are about twice the size of our biggest capital ship…and we weren’t in our biggest. The USN Cujo, a midsized, highly secret guerrilla warfare cruiser. 20 fighters, six bombers, ten exo-suits, and a total crew of 500…including five of the finest biopharmaceutical specialists known to Man.

We had caught wind of Their carrier, let’s just call her Eris, a week prior. Most other ships would have contacted the higher ups for direction. That’s not how the USN Cujo rolled. It’s the only reason we had lasted so long. We immediately set about an attack "plan". Our Captain and his staff were great, but somehow, well, our plans are always the exact same. Play possum, wait, wait, wait some more, and then Surprise!

This one was of course identical. Eris had a most probable target. This target happened to be Man's last remaining outpost in the Belt, and Cujo's kennel, Ceres. We knew that They liked to be as direct as possible and that They only got bolder as they obliterated us outwards in.

Cujo was going to take a nap right between Eris and Ceres. We'd have one eye open as a slow trickle of Red Haze was administered to all of the head cases that I called brother.

Phase Possum worked perfectly. Iit always does, but Cujo's days of mauling Their children had ended. When we sprang from our hatches howling for blood, seeing only murder and chaos, well, shit, we got a frantic comm to break off, that Eris was leaping down our throats first while strange and bewildering types of pain headed our way. Apparently discretion is the better part of valor, even for tweaking career military sociopaths.

Red Haze doesn't allow for withdrawal though. Hell, most of us wouldn't have turned away from a suicidal scrap even if our blood wasn't set to fizzling the stuff. I guess the Captain at least wanted to try to save some of his men as he turned Cujo about in an attempt to flee the Old Yellering.

It was definitely an honorable gesture by the Captain and probably his last, as far as I know. I hope he managed to fire off a quick prayer to his God right before his ship was torn into a storm of screaming particles, but his hand would have had to have flown through the Sign of the Cross...
Last edited by Dynagrip on Sat Jan 27, 2007 7:01 am, edited 4 times in total.

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Postby Bag of Ass » Fri Jan 26, 2007 4:04 pm

Marathon, huh...okay

Also, teeming.

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Postby Dynagrip » Fri Jan 26, 2007 4:45 pm

Bag of Ass wrote:Marathon, huh...okay

Also, teeming.

Fuck off with your useless criticism.

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Postby Bag of Ass » Fri Jan 26, 2007 5:10 pm

Okay.

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Postby Dynagrip » Fri Jan 26, 2007 5:46 pm

Bag of Ass wrote:Okay.

Useful crit would be nice.

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Re: As Yet Untitled and Unfinished Science Fiction by Me!

Postby Bag of Ass » Fri Jan 26, 2007 7:07 pm

Honestly, I think it would be more effective if it wasn't written in such crass, angry language. You are supposed to feel sympathy for him and the human race because they are essentially outgunned, but the swearing and tone detract from that.

There are some ideas in there that are compelling (eg. the way the military dehumanizes and experiments on soldiers to get results), but they tend to get lost by a lot of the distracting asides (eg. the hissing/hallucinations paragraph).

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Postby Eolh » Fri Jan 26, 2007 7:13 pm

I don't mind the crass, angry voice. I am not one of those people that needs to like the protagonist.

But do you need to use so many swears?
Your mind has been transported back in time...and to Mars.

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Postby Dynagrip » Fri Jan 26, 2007 10:53 pm

I am a crass and angry guy, Bag of Ass. That is what I know. They say write about what you know. Eolh, you are right about the swears perhaps. This was something I wrote in 20-30 minutes.

I am interested to hear what other people (that aren't nicknamed BoA) think.

BoA...the narrator is a crazy man that has undergone God only knows what, could very well die, and odds are, he was never all that sane to begin with. I do not think he is the kind of chap you would invite over to watch Signs with you and the Racist Texan.
Last edited by Dynagrip on Mon Jan 29, 2007 7:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Postby Dynagrip » Sat Jan 27, 2007 1:18 am

Ok, Eolh, does it read better or worse?

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Postby nobody_important » Sat Jan 27, 2007 1:26 am

I am not Eolh, but I think it reads pretty well. Will you be writing more?
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Postby Bag of Ass » Sat Jan 27, 2007 4:19 am

Asking for constructive criticism and then snapping at someone who gives it to you is a good way to never get any from that person again. Poopy!

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Postby Dynagrip » Sat Jan 27, 2007 5:13 am

I will be writing more, possibly even tonight or tomorrow.

Bag, I know I was harsh, but your criticism was godawful. I was trying to help you give useful feedback in the future. I want to make sure that you and the Texan live happily ever after. Don't you want that???

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Postby Dynagrip » Sat Jan 27, 2007 7:02 am

nobody_important wrote:I am not Eolh, but I think it reads pretty well. Will you be writing more?

Added more. Not as confident about it do to fatigue, coldness, strange surroundings, and uh, beer.


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